Be vewy quiet, we're hunting waaaats...

It's my last week of Christmas Break. And I have declared war. Anybody who knows me, knows that I am doomed to have a troop of vermin in my wake causing havoc and pissing me off. In recent history, I have waged many Wars of the Rodent, with the most recent being the infamous Seven Day War of the Mouse, which I won. I win them all, of course. Plus, it made me implement strict anti-immigration measures to keep them out like steel wool and self-hardening expandable foam (and no this is not a reflection of my immigration political platform and no I don't think using steel wool in the border fence will keep people out).

Anyway, SOMETHING has been plaguing my garden for weeks now. IT wiped out my baby radishes in 3 days flat. IT decimated two lettuce plants to the root. IT has been chomping the becrappers out of my Icelandic Poppies. And I'm talking OVERNIGHT. I'll go to bed, and there's a plant. I'll wake up... gone. Gone!! So yesterday while I was sitting on my butt watching a movie, I was distracted by a fat and sassy rat casually perambulating across the patio, up onto the deck and out of sight. GASP!!!!! That fat little bastard!! Eating MY veggies!! The Tall One thought I was being characteristically melodramatic until this morning when he walked downstairs and watched it at work. He gave me the go-ahead to go on the defense and loaned me his Daisy 288 BB gun to amuse myself until the traps kicked in. Eat up pal because you aren't gonna live to see the end of the week if I get my way. And it's lucky I bought snappy traps. My favorites are the glue trays- they work fast, but the downside is you then have an absolutely terrified rodent on your hands that pees everywhere and then you have to "dispose" of it. The loser of the Seven Day War? He got tossed in the trash. Alive. I am a cold, heartless beast.

Now, spare me your bleeding heart-PETA-I-Luv-Cute-Fuzzy-Animal tirades. Rats (and mice) are neither cute nor our friends. Rodents impart over 35 diseases, both directly and indirectly according to the CDC and the CDC is always right. Always. Remember that whole Black Plague episode from history class? Yes, the bacteria is transmitted by fleas, but what are carriers of fleas? Rodents. Ever heard of Hantavirus? It's a horrible respiratory disease that causes your lungs to fill with fluid. And carried by rodents. Need I go on?

So as I type this, the traps are baited and waiting. I've made my defensive strike. I'm hoping for victory by the end of the day, but realize I may need to be patient. I hate being patient. Stay tuned for updates as they happen.

For your entertainment, here is a photojournalistic essay of the crisis:

This is a point of entry. Directly below there SHOULD be a lettuce plant. But the rat ate the entire plant. Overnight. I hate that rat.

LOOK AT THAT!!!! That was over-flipping-night!!! ARRRRGGGGHHH!!

And there you have it- physical proof it exists. To the left, behind the leaves, you can see its grey virus-infected ear. It's my best paparazzo impersonation.

Click here for the wrath and the fury of the snappy trap!!!!

And here is my defensive line-up. I'm conducting a scientific taste test. Which bait will the rat succumb to? To the right, I've got peanut butter in the standard infantry snappy rat trap and the sleek, stealth plastic trap. To the left is Babybel cheese, and the middle two are Gruyere cheese, just in case the piece of crap has a discerning palate. The Tall One's gonna flip when he finds out I'm wasting cheese from the Motherland on a rat, but he needs to realize there are sacrifices in war... and cheese is one of them.