When idiots procreate.

I just came across the show, "I Didn't Know I Was Pregnant." This show can otherwise be known as the finest example of denial, stupidity and ignorance that can be found on TV (besides "The Hills"). Plus the acting is just as bad.

How the hell does someone not know they're pregnant?!? As someone who DAILY couldn't forget if I wanted to, I'm not buying it. These women are high.

I want whatever it is they were smoking. It will make the next 24 weeks go MUCH faster and easier.

Ease up on the hos, alright, they're not responsible for EVERYTHING...

Hookers and hos, strippers and skanks get a bad rap, and not without good reason. But are they really to blame for seismic destruction?

According to an Iranian cleric, we can now add earthquakes as part of the fallout for immorality. STD's, broken marriages, unwanted pregnancies, gratuitous paparazzi crotch shots... and now earthquakes.

Now as you sit there reading the article, smugly thinking that you are not contributing to the tectonic terror as you sit in your skinny jeans and t-shirt, just realize that to this cleric, merely showing your hair underneath your headscarf or wearing tight clothes is enough to make the earth rock'n'roll. And that tank top you wore yesterday? That might be Bali's next catastrophic earthquake. The guilt.

At least we can now exonerate earth and volcanic gods, the ancient Japanese catfish Namazu, those eighty (or 4, small difference) elephants that support the earth and the animals that run rampant in caverns under the ground surface. They'll be happy to know that just the hos are to blame.

Beezus can't fail.

Let me preface this with the revelation that from here on out, the future terror of the world will be referred to as "Beezus". At happy hour (where else?!?) last week, while discussing the Tall One's curious knowledge of Judy Blume's books, we shifted to the Ramona Quimby books and when I said "Beezus", we howled with laughter and immediately christened the feh-tus Beezus. This also helps to avoid the following things:

- We have no idea what we're having and knowing the obstinence of both the parents, we're most likely not going to get a good shot at the ultrasound next week. Obstinence x obstinence = obstinence squared!

- We're also not revealing the name until the kid is breathing oxygen and not fluid into its lungs.

- I refuse to call the feh-tus by the name we choose until it's born. I have my reasons, and none of them make me sound like a very nice person.

All that being said, today I began Beezus' musical education. With The Clash. It was a quick decision.

There are so many bands that Beezus needs to listen to: U2, the Stones, Simon & Garfunkel, Coldplay, Cat Stevens, Jack Johnson, Led Zeppelin, Ben Harper... there are not enough hours in the day. So, I start with the Top 5, and go from there.

How can one not like The Clash?!? Not my offspring. I think things are off to a good start.

Party of five, we'll seat you in October...

Tonight was another lesson in "How to keep your mouth shut and not alienate total strangers."

Monday night is all-night happy hour at our favorite sushi place. It's a screaming deal and even incubating the future ruler of the free world can't keep me from going. I worked up an appetite and everything. To make matters more fun, we went with the Drs. Stone- who are always game for happy hour.

So the Tall One and I get there first. The patio is maybe a quarter full. Virtually empty. There are 3 high school-aged girls playing hostess and they ask, "Table for two?" I say, "No, four." Wrong answer.

Vapid #1 proceeds to tell us that unfortunately they can only seat full parties on the patio, but we could wait in the bar and they'd call us. Bear in mind, the place is maybe a quarter full and we are the ONLY people standing at the desk.

Since we eat there more often than we should, I know that all the patio tables are 4-tops. So, even if we had said "Party of two", we'd have gotten the same table. I really, really, REALLY wanted to ask this girl, "So, if I change my answer to 2, and people just happen to show up does that mean I lose the table? I mean, there's room. And it's not like people aren't going to NOT be seated. The only thing getting bumped are the crickets, seriously, your patio is empty." But she had this utterly clueless expression that comes from spending too much time at the beach and mall and not enough time in class, and she had that annoying stoner OC voice going. I then understood that any logical reasoning would be just lost on her.

So I hid my smile, sort of, and we waited for the rest of our party.

But here's my hypothetical situation for the night: say I'm one of those freakishly annoying people that refers to their unborn child like it's already a functioning member of society and was trying to be cute and told the hostess "Party of five"? And when I told her that the fifth was my fetus (ALWAYS pronounced FEH-tus, as far as the Tall One is concerned), I can see at least 2 of the following 3 things happening:

1) She laughed and went along with it and sat us

2) The last of her functioning neurons short-circuited and she was rendered unable to critically think for the remainder of her life

3) The joke would've totally missed her and she'd tell us she wouldn't be able to seat us until after my due date in October.

I'm almost positive only #2 and #3 are the only viable options...