Traffic signs as they should be.

This made my Thursday morning.  Not the fact that it's going to be 75 outside today, not the fact that I have all day to get boatloads of homework and housework done, and definitely not the fact that the ocean is double over ankle and about 56 degrees.

BOO and wah-wah-waaaaaah to the City of Austin for not pulling their thumbs out of their butts and having a good laugh over this.  Sure some computer geeks hacked into your transportation system and changed your road signs.  So, change the signs back and make your software more secure!  And don't try to fool me with the whole "safety of road drivers" thing because let's be honest, whether you're reading the sign to see when your off-ramp is closed or an apocalyptic warning of nazi zombies- you're still asking people to take their eyes off the road and read.  I still don't grasp the logic of roadside billboards, but alas, that is a topic for another time.

IT WAS FUNNY!!!!  Laugh a little for heaven's sake, because this country is in dire need of a laugh right now.  Thank you, forewarners of zombie doom.

Fantasy House League.

Before I start, let me just state for the record that I freaking love the TV show House.  I DVR it every week because if I'm not sitting in front of my computer for a minimum of 6 hours on Monday night before Tuesday clinicals then I'm just not doing my job right.  And what's not to love?  A cranky, crotchety doctor getting to say all the things we want to say about patients but aren't allowed to and he STILL saves the day?  Clearly awesome.  

That being said, I'm starting to notice a definite trend or formula to the show.  It's like it's almost predictable to a point.  Patient is seen in their normal environment when medical apocalypse strikes.  The team is on it, throwing out possible diagnoses that range from logical to completely obscure.  I think I've googled at least 5 conditions that I've heard on the show.  I'm about to do another one tonight.  Anyway, patient stabilizes, undergoes 2-3 diagnostic tests and then proceeds to code- seizure is the most common, v-fib and no pulse are close behind.  Patient then continues to decline, and things begin to look bleak.  Then, while House is doing something completely unrelated to the case, he has a breakthrough, treatment is started and patient lives to see another day.  Cue the credits.

You'd think this would drive me crazy enough to stop watching.  But, I think I've found a way to keep it interesting.  Make it a game!  I can make a list of things that occur almost every show that you can keep an eye out for, therefore keeping you engaged while being midly entertained. For the boozers out there with nothing else to do on a Monday night but get plowed, it can be made into a drinking game.  Every time something on list happens, you take a drink (or shot for the serious alcoholic on the fast track to cirrhosis).  Or, you can keep points- one point for each element and whoever has the most at the end of the show (thereby requiring everyone to pay attention so you can maximize your points) wins.  You could even take it further and like the subject title says- Fantasy House League.  Weekly winner, one big winner at the end of the season.  How could that not be fun?

Ready to play?  Here's the list, in no particular order:

1) Obscure medical diagnosis.  This must be something that makes you go "What?!?" and you get one point for each obscure diagnosis thrown out in the show.  MAJOR points earner right here.

2) Seizure.  Every patient has a seizure on the show.  Every one of them.  Yes, they're a medical emergency, but good gracious- I think I've only seen one seizure on the floor during 3 semesters of clinicals.  But I get to see one every week on Fox 11.

3) Ventricular fibrillation/cardiac arrest/asystole.  Anyway you call it, patient is down for the count and requires a shock or two or eight to get them back.  Be careful when they get all doctory and throw out medical slang, observe- "Patient is in v-fib!  Get the crash cart!!"  Brush up on your slang or have a nursing student handy, we geek out on stuff like that.

4) Speaking of crash cart- one point for if they say "grab the paddles".  Apparently, according to my ACLS (advanced cardiac life support) class, paddles are rarely seen in the hospital anymore, they have pads that they stick on you that don't move paddles around each time.  Somebody can prove me wrong, but I thought it was funny.

5) Every time they stick a breathing tube down somebody.  

6) Every time they show one of the doctors drawing blood.  There's no way they're doing that.  They write an order and make nurses do it, or even more likely, they make someone from the lab come up and do it.  

7) Every time a patient stands up to do something mundane and they fall over like 4 feet to the ground.  How does this happen every week?  And how is the hospital still in business if these guys are letting patients fall like a ton of bricks?  Anytime somebody as much as thinks of falling we have to fill out an incident report and the place gets almost sued?  Ah, the miracle of television.

8) Every time the doctors try to resuscitate a patient and they never call a code.  It takes a team, people...

9) Every kiss.  They're not often, but they're often scandalous when they do.

10.) Every time House orders a totally controversial but totally "necessary" high-risk and obscure procedure and you get a bonus point for getting shut down.  Every now and again, he gets the green light.

11.) Every time they gather around the same table to bounce medical diagnoses off each other.  Also the perfect time to gain points for obscure diagnoses and random/uncessary tests.

I think this is enough to get going.  After Monday's show, which I'm watching tonight thanks to clinicals and the magic of DVR, I'm up to about 127.  It was a good episode.

Hit print, cue up your DVR list, grab your calculator or drink and get tabulating!

The cost of being a 4th semster nursing student.

Pin for pinning/graduation ceremony: minimum $43. (They can go as high as $350.)

Fingerprinting and background check for state boards and the Board of Registered Nursing: $72.

Interim permit application fee so I can work between graduation and passing boards: $30.

NCLEX application fee (just to receive a testing date): $75. 

NCLEX exam fee: $200.

Becoming a registered nurse: somebody told me priceless.  I beg to differ.

Let me add up the cost of tuition, books every semester, all the equipment/uniforms, initial background check, immunizations (if you're not immune to, say, pertussis), CPR and ACLS certifications, AND the crap listed above and then I'll let you know the cost of being a registered nurse.  Good thing I didn't go to a private school and rack up an extra $30,000 in costs!

Let's pray I have a job in 3 months.

Red Dawn.

Nursing school pet peeve #483:

Тишина!

So, I'm sitting in the Health Sciences computer lab today after my semesterly math proficiency test.  I'm trying to knock out a few skills lab hours (I have to do 12 a semester) and I thought I'd check out the question/scenario programs they have in the computer lab.  There is a posted and understood rule that there is little to no talking in the lab so you don't distract other students.  Perhaps they need to post that in RUSSIAN.

So, I'm sitting there, answering questions about central venous pressures and heart attacks, when the two foreign students a few seats over from me raise the volume of their conversation from hushed to normal speaking volume.  I can honestly say that at one point they were griping over freeway directions.  How do I know this?  They were talking loud enough for me to overhear!  And everyone else in the lab to overhear!!

And then one of them gets on her cell phone.  It's a documented fact that even quiet people get exponentially louder once their on their cell, and she was no exception.  At one point I did the slow turn the head and then look at them with no expression (or so I think) and then turned back to my screen while reaching for the headphones attached to my computer and put them on.  I never looked at them again.  They continued to carry on, in normal voice tones, and then they left.  Sweet relief.  

And then they came back AND TALKED SOME MORE.  By this point, I was trying to figure out EKG rhythms which is hard to do when two inconsiderate people are gabbing away in a supposedly quiet zone.  Before I had a chance to reignite the Cold War, they left.  Which is a good thing, I was about to launch a water bottle in their direction.

So, lesson as always, with an updated twist- look around and think first because it's not all about you.. especially in the computer lab.

Be a quitter if you need to be.

I generally don't like to be the one to tell people what to do, but after today I'm going to say this: if you smoke or drink excessively, you need to quit because today I either saw what your lungs look like from the inside, saw what they're CUTTING out of your lungs or saw what your future holds if you reach the point of alcohol withdrawal- and it involves a ventilator breathing for you, and lots of tubes in places that probably shouldn't have them.

Seriously, part of me wants to wish the smokers well and thank them for my continued job security.  Every cigarette smoked is another dollar on my paycheck, really.  But after watching a man less than 60yrs old get part of his lung removed one week after they lasered metastatic tumors from his brain- I'm amazed that people smoke despite the mammoth amount of research and clinical proof that smoking kills.

So, pretty much, don't ask me what I think about your smoking habit if you have one.  Chances are I'm going to tell you what a flipping idiot you are and then there'll be weirdness between us and I don't want weirdness between us.  Just do yourself a favor and quit.  

It's OK to be a quitter.   

Sportscenter- Late Night.

For some unknown reason, I'm still up at 12:40am, typing on my computer while the Tall One sits in bed next to me, Facebooking like a dweeb, with Sportscenter in the background.  Every couple of minutes I tune in and I should probably do it more often because it was in those moments that I heard or saw these gems:

Pittsburgh Steeler Santonio Holmes: "... I played like a possum."

The guy covering the post-game wrap-up of the Steelers-Ravens was sporting a creepy flesh-colored mustache that would serve society much better if it was shaved off and washed down the drain.

The announcer referring to tennis dork Andy Roddick as A-Rod.  Don't we already have one of those?  He's a dud, do we really need another?

And speaking of things heard, I'm going to get into a slew of trouble on this one but I just can't hold it in anymore.  Last night at church during the music, the worship leader asked us to "bring the noise" (a.k.a.: clap) at least three times.  I got confused the first time, a little bit more the second time, and by the third I was stifling my laugh with a snort.  A fourth time might have thrown me over the edge.  I'm awful.  Anyway, the guy seems like the nicest guy in the world, I just found it hilarious.  The last person I heard say "bring the noise" was playing in a little band called Anthrax, and Anthrax definitely doesn't play in churches.  "Turn it up, bring the noise!!"

I think this freaks me out.

Good heavens, where do these people come from?  The more time goes on, the more I'm convinced that maybe the 80's weren't meant to be revisited.

Just in case this video helped you out in some way, there are others to help you on your quest to be funky fresh. You too can learn the Robot and how to Pop and Lock from some freakishly peppy blonde with a nauseating affection for the side ponytail.