The Orchid Slayer Dieth.

Now I'm double awesome.

Smells like poop spirit.

I've found another area of nursing that I can cross off my list- Acute Rehab.  While not as nosepicking boring as surgical nursing, it has its own pace and I think that pace is significantly slower than the pace I run at.  Which is shocking, I know.

Acute rehab is where people go that are no longer critically ill but are now faced with the task of re-entering "normal life" when their life as they've known it doesn't really exist anymore.  A lot of the patients are post-stroke and have some loss of function on one side and they need to learn new ways to carry out their daily routines with their new condition.  Sometimes you get people that had major orthopedic surgery, but it's generally a lot of stroke patients.  It takes a special kind of nurse to work with these patients- you have to be caring, nurturing, but at the same time firm and push them to stretch themselves.  And you gotta like to clean up poop.

I know, I'm a callous jerk.  And my first experience in ARU... totally different.  But this time, it was a lot of poop.  At one point, 20min  after a particularly poopy experience, I was sitting at a computer charting and my RN found me sniffing my shirt and grimacing.  The conversation went like this:

Nurse J: What on earth are you doing?  (while laughing)

Me: I smell like poop.

Nurse J: Yeaah, that happens here a lot.

(my fellow student on the floor with me walks past)

Me: Yeah, I smell like her patient's poop.  (my friend laughed at me)

And you know, it doesn't get any easier with the smells.  About two months ago, I had a patient with no less than 8 diabetic ulcers on her feet- they were open and huge and emitted an indescribable, unique smell.  And as part of my assessment, I had to get all up in those things and measure each one and describe their characteristics.  Do you know how horrible it is to be sitting, HOURS later, and still smell "wound"?  Get me some Vicks or something for my nose already.

But on the bright side, my instructor found out how much I liked the ER and switched the schedule around so that I can go back there for my last clinical day of the semester- which is next week.  NEXT WEEK!!!  I'm almost there...

Handel, any day of the year.

Cue Handel's Messiah- the Hallelujah song.  Got it going in your head?  No, it's not an unseasonal celebration of Christmas.  It's the blatant misuse of a song and taking it out of context.  To fit my situation, you can just keep looping the opening segment.

I just took my last regular semester test.  All that stands between me and a glorious summer full of office work, surfing and what better be a job driving the snack/booze cart at a local golf course is my final.  Yeah!!!!!

Now, I just busted out the calculator and did some planning.  Based on my stunning 93% that I just earned on my cardiac test, I have some options and they are all based on how hard I want to work for the next 3 weeks.  Which, if you talk to me in person, seems like not very hard.

Scenario #1- Keep to the course

At the rate I'm going and my record so far, I stand a more than reasonable chance of keeping my A at the semester's end.  It's not hard, I learn a lot, and since most of my friends have written me off as a textbook dork and rarely call it's not like I'm going to miss out on anything.  I can get an 85% on the final and still keep my A.  That's FIFTEEN points I can miss!!!  Hot action!!

Scenario #2- Begin celebrating summer just a little early. 

So let's say I decide to kick back, and enjoy the upcoming intermittent warm days that are so common in Southern California spring (for anyone that doesn't know, spring is my least favorite season- it's dumb).  A mid-B grade means I need to achieve about 300-310 total points this semester.  I can get like a 65-68% on the final and finish the semester with a solid B.  At the rate I study, I would have to try hard to get that crappy of a score but I'm sure it could be done.  It's called "having beers the night before the final."

Scenario#3- Party like it's Summer 2008!

High fives and high kicks!!!  I can absolutely BOMB the final- I can miss 50 out of 100 points and STILL end up with 289 total semester points... which is still enough (by 2 points) to keep me in the B range.  Drinks all around!!!!

Now, more than likely, I'm going to go with Scenario #1.  I'm a Type A student, I'm vain when it comes to grades, and I'm still trying to work off educational karma for my abysmal showing during my Westmont career.  Who got a 1.369GPA her first semester of college?  Yep, that's me.  Plus, last semester I had a prof that I really respect thank me and express her pride for me when I told her that I studied for her final even though it essentially had no bearing on my grade whatsoever.  She told me that she knew I didn't even need to mark an answer and I'd still get an A, but that it shows my integrity and committment to learning- which she says will make me a great RN.  Sigh.  How's THAT for a guilt trip?  

I do all these stupid calculations so that I can release some of the stress and remind myself that when you bust your ass for most of the semester- you can breathe a little easier.  There are some in my class that are going to be struggling to get that C- and it will be the first of their lives.  Whatever.  They should've seen me 10 years ago.  C's get degrees, baby!!!  But here in nursing school, where we're all Type A, wound-tight nursing students that HAD to get straight-A's to get in... it's hard to flip that switch and relax.

So, with that being said- I'll be re-entering society in full force in about 4 weeks.  In the meantime, I'll be dorking out on my computer and wishing my conscience would let me tank the next few weeks and start living life again.  Stupid conscience.

And lastly, for all my jokes about drinks, more than 3 alcoholic beverages/day is a significant risk factor for cardiovascular disease.  Nevermind what it does to your liver.  And waistline.  So, drink responsibly and keep count.  I'm such a buzzkill.

Comment spammers beware!!!

Fair warning to the insufferable morons that think the comments section is a great place to advertise whatever it is they're trying to say.  I use the word "trying" very loosely because I'm not so much convinced that the ridiculous post with horrific grammar and punctuation was real as much as I think it was created using some sort of language converter.  Besides, it came from someone who refers to themselves as Perfumes.  And they used an enormous amount of punctuation.  I hate Perfumes.

So, to all you would be spammers- I spit fire and will show no mercy.  Don't link me to your dreadful blog because I guarantee that I don't want to be associated with something as lame as your comment builds you up to be.

Can you tell I'm stressed and have an exam tomorrow?

NeuroGate 2008

Sigh.  

Once again, I start a posting with a deep breath and a pause.  It's been a mentally and physically exhausting week.  Ever reach Friday and quietly deep in your soul rejoice that with the weekend comes a "reset" button of sorts?  Ever reach Friday after a trying week and have one tiny insignificant setback make you crumble?  "Yes" to both for me.  What a week.

A great friend of mine is a high school English/literature teacher (right?!?).  A while back, she had some cheating going on and had to deal with it.  Well, apparently nursing students do it too.  I'm not going to go into more than a couple of sentences detail about this because I have a lot of good friends involved in everything and even I'm indirectly involved.  Let's just say a 4th semester student sent a 2nd semester student her study guides from the second half of our course.  Emails went out from there and now pretty much the majority of my class is somehow linked to this material.  Well, word got back to professors and program directors and the proverbial poop hit the fan.  It's ugly, staff is mad/sad/disappointed, reputations are tainted and it's mentally and spiritually draining.  I will say that I am OK, and my grades and rep are intact.  But it's a tough lesson learned.  When I told the Tall One that night about what happened, he just sat there and said, "Whoa.  It's like... NeuroGate."  Well said, well said.

But on the upside, I went to the ER on Thursday as a student and what a kick ass good time!!!!  I didn't think I would like it, but it was great!  It was ridiculously slow at first, so we sat around.  And then the elderly with their chest pain and nausea started showing up.  I got to do my first blood draw.  It's a good thing they make us wear gloves because I made a terrific mess.  Yeah nursing students!!!  I got to see some sutures put in, talk with lots of patients, play with IV pumps... and then it happened.  Possible heart attack in progress!  That staff was on it, and they were ready for that guy when he came in.  He was way too young to be on the verge of his SECOND heart attack in TWO years, but there he was and within 10 minutes of arrival he was carted off to surgery.  Pure excitement.  What was my job?  I held some pillowcases and moved an EKG machine out of the way.  Yeah nursing students!!!

My right ear continues to heal, I guess, but my left ear and all its illustrious history has gone on strike and I'm having trouble convincing it to come back.  So, I called my fantastic ear doc that has been with me since I was 10yrs old.  Believe it or not, 22yrs later he's still seeing patients.  But in that time, he's also become well-reknowned in his field and quite the expert.  He's a little busy because the next available appt for me is May 28th.  I made the appt and then hung up my phone and shed a few tears.  Not what I was hoping for at the end of my week.  I can't get in to see him within a week or two?  I have to wait over a month?  Bwaa-ha-haaaaa, sniffle, sniffle.  I think what I need more than an appt is a blended tropical frosty beverage, some suntan lotion (SPF 45 of course), and a spot on a beach under an umbrella in a warm locale.

Four more weeks until summer...

Huh? What???

If you happen to actually be carrying on a face-to-face verbal conversation with me in the near future, don't take it personally if I say "What?" a lot.  I'm not ignoring you or disinterested.  I just flat out can't hear you very well.  

Sunday, I went out and had fun.  At the beach.  In the blazing hot weather.  And perforated my ear drum.  See what happens when I'm social!!!!!  I was at the beach with some friends who ran into another friend with a wave-runner and some ridiculously huge raft thing anchored 100yds offshore.  So we swam out to it, without wetsuits in 57 degree water mind you, and proceeded to have an absolute blast.  Two people on the ski, two people on the raft and it was on.  Such good times!  I got knocked off once but held on and almost lost my bikini bottoms.  That would've made for a memorable swim and walk in.  Note to self: always bring trunks to the beach.

And then it happened.  On one of the whips, I got a high-speed cascade of water from the ski straight to the right side of my face.  I thought I just had a lot of water in it, but it wouldn't run out and when I tried to equalize the pressure by plugging the nose and blowing out, I was greeted with a high-pitched squealing sound and bubbling, which could be heard by anyone listening closely.  Later, it turned to the sensation of hot air coming out and then cooler air going in.  Luckily, the Tall One has his own otoscope (dork!!!), and he confirmed it.  A small hole in my eardrum.  Dang it!!!!!

So, I'm a total landlubber for the next two weeks MINIMUM.  It doesn't hurt, but I constantly have that stopped up, hollow ear feeling that comes with a nasty cold.  And loud sounds are like 10x louder than they should be.  

So be nice to me, speak slightly louder than normal and for heaven's sake- don't yell at me.  It's even worse right now than getting yelled at normally.  Which happens all the time, right?

The Great Pruning of 2008.

It's hotter than Hades today.  That is merely a statement, not to be taken as a complaint.  I've spent the last 5 months loathing the departure of summer and warm weather and now I'm getting what I want.  All at once.  Once again, I'm not complaining.

It's been awhile since I've updated a small, completely disinterested audience on the status of my garden, so- lucky you!  Today's the day!!  This morning was gardening extravaganza morning.  Good times!!  My arugula bushes have finally outgrown themselves, as well as my garden itself, and have begun to implode on themselves.  It was sad, really.  I may actually have to PAY for lettuce for awhile.  That's a bummer.  Anyway, I now have buckets of strongly flavored arugula lettuce because I butchered the plants.  They're still there, but only as shadows of their former selves.   The hard part was that at 9am, it was already almost 80 degrees out- which when you cut lettuce makes it wilt kind of fast.  I had to prune and harvest in small batches.  The stress and the horror of growing your own food.  I'll live the nightmare for you if you want.

Anyway, the rest of the garden is AWESOME!  I've got little baby tomatoes, buds on my bell peppers and hot peppers, baby lettuce plants growing strong, and strawberries that are really sweet.  The Tall One insists that I leave them on until they get huge.  I tried to explain that once they're red, that's it.  He didn't get it.  The man can prescribe medicine, but can't grasp strawberries.  On another note, does anyone need some herbs (don't forget to pronounce the "h"; while phonetically incorrect, it makes the word at least 10x more fun to say)?  I've got a lot.  I don't mail though.  Sorry.  Last thing I need is for my packages to get x-ray'd and then I have the DEA on my doorstep investigating "suspicious" packages.  I'm not an RN yet, and I'm pretty sure the Board of Registered Nursing wouldn't be amused.

And now, for your viewing pleasure: a photo essay of my garden.  Remember, I don't have kids- I grow veggies.

These were my arugula bushes, just over a month ago.  See?  Totally manageable.  For reference, that's a 2.5ft tall planter.

Fast forward a month.  They're falling over under the weight.  Whoops.

In the upper right corner- what remains of the once mighty arugula.  Moment of silence.  On another note- how's that green patch of grass there, heh?  Synthetic.  How do I keep it so spotless and free of leaves and twigs?  Two words for you: Shop Vac.  That's right, I vacuum my grass, and the patio sometimes while I'm at it.  And the front porch if I'm really feeling industrious.  I think everyone should have a Shop Vac, in fact it should come with your Social Security card.  They're glorious.  Besides, raking the yard is for peasants.  Yes, I'm kidding.  But only on the peasants part.

Look what moved into my garden!!!  Ladybugs!!!  They're everywhere.  Aphids, your days are numbered.  The red and black-polka-dot army has arrived.

This one's for my mom.  Look mom!  Sierra lettuce!  I've got two others just like it.

My first tomatoes!  They're so cute!

Sage, rosemary and thyme.  I'm one herb short of a sad, forlorn Simon & Garfunkel song.

This is our loaner patio set, courtesy of the Tall One's folks.  I can be found there most mornings.  It makes me that much more annoyed to go to the hospital for clinical on Thursdays.  Let's see, while I'm giving 9am meds, I could be sitting here.  Great, now I'm annoyed again.

Look!  Our yard thermometer is just as good at embellishing as me!!  Liar.  It's not 100.  It just feels like it.

My crowning achievement of 2008, so far.  Back in January, I decapitated the flower stalk from this orchid.  The Tall One said that we could get a dog once I could keep a houseplant alive.  He calls me the Orchid Slayer.  And then, about 2 weeks ago, THIS showed up.  And kept going.  And now has flower buds.  I'm awesome.  And the Tall One is eating his words.  I think he swears at it under his breath when he walks past it.  Two ice cubes a week on the roots and your orchid will keep on trucking.  So, what do you think?  Golden Retriever or Labrador?

Now I know, and knowing is half the battle.

I think I can confidently cross "Surgical Nursing" off my list of areas of nursing focus that I could go into. I'm glad I got that settled.

Showers of Fury

It's been a while since I went all bitter critter inflammatory on an unsuspecting audience, but I'm coming off a slightly stressful week that was capped by a 12-hr hospital day after a horrible night of 4 hours of sleep... and then an 8-hr rotation the next morning in the "poop lab", a.k.a: GI lab.  I've cracked.  So without further ado, things that make me narrow my eyes and think mean thoughts:

Poop.

My nice genteel walk/run route is through a fairly pricy part of town.  The last place I expect to encounter a veritable minefield of DOG POOP.  There are days where I have to dodge it because it's all over the sidewalk.  Hhhhrrrrrrmmmmmm... If you're going to get a dog, freaking clean up after it!!!  It's not hard!!!  If you're not going to clean, then don't get the dog because not only does it stink, not only does it look cheap- it eventually runs off into the ocean about 400 yards away and then I end up with it in my ears or nose or something. 

 

Cell phones and exercising.

The two are mutually exclusive.  If you're exercising hard enough, you can't carry on a decent conversation.  If you are talking and walking, guarantee you're not working hard enough.  Plant your ass on the nearest bench and finish the talk because trust me, you're NOT killing two birds with one stone.  I so live in Orange County.

Expensive cars.

Before I anger several close friends and family members with my statement, please understand that I'm not talking about you and this is another one of my sweeping generalizations.  Here's my theory: People with very expensive cars drive the worst (at least around here) because they already think the world revolves around them and they have no concept of what the value of their car is.  Oh, you have the right away?  Well, I'm in more of a hurry than you so screw you- I'm turning left NOW/swerving across 3 lanes to catch that freeway merge I almost missed because I was chatting aimlessly on my cell/I feel like driving right HERE right now.  I think I just don't like people.

My neighbor with the big white van.

He for some reason brings a huge cargo can home and wastes one of the resident parking spots on his ridiculous van, because he already has another car at home and it won't fit in the garage anyway.  The best part?  He tries to back it in the spot.  The last time he did that, he ended up just over a foot from the entire right side of my car.  If you're gonna act like a valet driver, do it right.  Don't box me in.  And park your damn van on the street, it's an eyesore.

Basically, I can sum up my current discontent with people like this: People, it's not all about you.  Pull your head out of your ass and notice the wide world spinning around you.  Which, or course, could be said to me at exactly the same time.  Sigh.  Being spiteful is so exhausting.  I need a nap.