Fantasy House League.

Before I start, let me just state for the record that I freaking love the TV show House.  I DVR it every week because if I'm not sitting in front of my computer for a minimum of 6 hours on Monday night before Tuesday clinicals then I'm just not doing my job right.  And what's not to love?  A cranky, crotchety doctor getting to say all the things we want to say about patients but aren't allowed to and he STILL saves the day?  Clearly awesome.  

That being said, I'm starting to notice a definite trend or formula to the show.  It's like it's almost predictable to a point.  Patient is seen in their normal environment when medical apocalypse strikes.  The team is on it, throwing out possible diagnoses that range from logical to completely obscure.  I think I've googled at least 5 conditions that I've heard on the show.  I'm about to do another one tonight.  Anyway, patient stabilizes, undergoes 2-3 diagnostic tests and then proceeds to code- seizure is the most common, v-fib and no pulse are close behind.  Patient then continues to decline, and things begin to look bleak.  Then, while House is doing something completely unrelated to the case, he has a breakthrough, treatment is started and patient lives to see another day.  Cue the credits.

You'd think this would drive me crazy enough to stop watching.  But, I think I've found a way to keep it interesting.  Make it a game!  I can make a list of things that occur almost every show that you can keep an eye out for, therefore keeping you engaged while being midly entertained. For the boozers out there with nothing else to do on a Monday night but get plowed, it can be made into a drinking game.  Every time something on list happens, you take a drink (or shot for the serious alcoholic on the fast track to cirrhosis).  Or, you can keep points- one point for each element and whoever has the most at the end of the show (thereby requiring everyone to pay attention so you can maximize your points) wins.  You could even take it further and like the subject title says- Fantasy House League.  Weekly winner, one big winner at the end of the season.  How could that not be fun?

Ready to play?  Here's the list, in no particular order:

1) Obscure medical diagnosis.  This must be something that makes you go "What?!?" and you get one point for each obscure diagnosis thrown out in the show.  MAJOR points earner right here.

2) Seizure.  Every patient has a seizure on the show.  Every one of them.  Yes, they're a medical emergency, but good gracious- I think I've only seen one seizure on the floor during 3 semesters of clinicals.  But I get to see one every week on Fox 11.

3) Ventricular fibrillation/cardiac arrest/asystole.  Anyway you call it, patient is down for the count and requires a shock or two or eight to get them back.  Be careful when they get all doctory and throw out medical slang, observe- "Patient is in v-fib!  Get the crash cart!!"  Brush up on your slang or have a nursing student handy, we geek out on stuff like that.

4) Speaking of crash cart- one point for if they say "grab the paddles".  Apparently, according to my ACLS (advanced cardiac life support) class, paddles are rarely seen in the hospital anymore, they have pads that they stick on you that don't move paddles around each time.  Somebody can prove me wrong, but I thought it was funny.

5) Every time they stick a breathing tube down somebody.  

6) Every time they show one of the doctors drawing blood.  There's no way they're doing that.  They write an order and make nurses do it, or even more likely, they make someone from the lab come up and do it.  

7) Every time a patient stands up to do something mundane and they fall over like 4 feet to the ground.  How does this happen every week?  And how is the hospital still in business if these guys are letting patients fall like a ton of bricks?  Anytime somebody as much as thinks of falling we have to fill out an incident report and the place gets almost sued?  Ah, the miracle of television.

8) Every time the doctors try to resuscitate a patient and they never call a code.  It takes a team, people...

9) Every kiss.  They're not often, but they're often scandalous when they do.

10.) Every time House orders a totally controversial but totally "necessary" high-risk and obscure procedure and you get a bonus point for getting shut down.  Every now and again, he gets the green light.

11.) Every time they gather around the same table to bounce medical diagnoses off each other.  Also the perfect time to gain points for obscure diagnoses and random/uncessary tests.

I think this is enough to get going.  After Monday's show, which I'm watching tonight thanks to clinicals and the magic of DVR, I'm up to about 127.  It was a good episode.

Hit print, cue up your DVR list, grab your calculator or drink and get tabulating!