The 173rd edition of "It's Not All About You".

If I ever find out that someone I know is one of these pathetic imbeciles that calls 911 for something totally benign (yes, ALWAYS benign) like the sniffles, a headache or a toothache- I'm going to smack them across the face on both cheeks, kick them in the shins, verbally abuse them and then disown them as even an acquaintance- thereby giving them almost, ALMOST, plausible cause to utilize the 911 system.

The following are absolutely unacceptable reasons for using 911 for things similar to those listed above:

1) You don't have health insurance. 911 is not health care reform on speed dial.

2) You have the sniffles but you have a hot date/party/fishing trip/(insert totally unmissable event here). Try washing your hands more often if being sick interferes with your social life, because shockingly enough, hand washing is pretty effective in stopping the spread of infection. Who knew Semmelweis knew what he was talking about way back then?

3) Your tooth hurts? Call your DENTIST. Chances are, in this economy, he or she has some open spots in their schedule and can fit you in. Tooth pain may be excruciating, but it's NOT AN EMERGENCY!!!!!!

You may think something like these little things is the biggest emergency of your life. But when you're clogging up the system because you just think your sniffles are the most life-threatening case ever but some poor soul having a heart attack can't get through because your sorry ass can't handle snot- you're an idiot.

Dear 911-caller with a minor health problem: Let 911 save some real lives, while you go out and wonder where in the hell you left yours and how you can get it back. Signed- the shrinking minority of rational thinkers.